I Am Healthy: Where I Am Now and How I Got Here

This post has been nearly seven years coming. And it's still happening sooner than I thought it would.

If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you've probably noticed that things have drastically changed for me. But in case you've missed that, here's the short version:

I'm healthy, you guys! 

 

My life has transformed since March 20th (we'll get to that date in a minute), and I am now healthier than I was before I got sick in fall 2010.

I have gone from only being able to go to Sunday morning church about once or twice every couple months to my new default being every Sunday. I am now able to regularly do those mundane things I've gathered apparently every housewife loathes but that I've been longing to do since I got married: the dishes, the cooking, the cleaning.

Last month Daniel and I went to the beach with his family for a couple days. If you've been following my posts for a while, you may remember this post, which recounted how I spent most of our last such trip two years ago in our room. Not mentioned in that post was that of the two short times I went to the ocean, Daniel carried me back across the sand to the main road. Because walking on sand is hard, but especially when you're sick. But this time? There was no such carrying. And I played catch with Daniel and two of  my sisters-in-law for a looong time and ran briefly on the shore just because I could.

From our anniversary <3

So how did I get to this point? How did I go from a chronically ill, completely incapacitated person (circa 2012) to an improved, still-suffering hermit (circa 2016) to a new, thriving me (circa now)?

Well, the short answer is God. But here's the human tools He brought into my life for this purpose.

 

Back at the beginning of the year, I learned about a program that is based on the principle of neuroplasticity: the brain's ability to change itself. That program was the Dynamic Neural Retraining System (DNRS) which you can learn all about on its website here. The founder of DNRS did not make up this principle of neuroplasticity; neuroplasticity is just fact, like gravity. This particular program is an incredibly helpful framework to help you harness this brain capability specifically toward health.

When I first heard about DNRS, I looked it up briefly and just kept it in the back of my mind. But it kept resurfacing. I finally talked to a couple people who had done the program or were considering it, I read about it, I watched testimonials, and I really started considering it.

Now, I was at a point in my health journey that I had been improving steadily for two years of holistic treatments--just very slowly. I had in no way even begun to give up on those treatments, because they were working, and my periodic blood work continued to prove those changes, again and again. We were interested in this program for two reasons: that awesome blood work still was not quite translating into how I was doing day to day, and this program seemed to encompass a realm of health I had never even touched before.

With my holistic doctor's blessing, Daniel and I finally decided to order DNRS, even though it honestly seemed too simple or too good to be true. All of these people in the testimonials went from states far worse off than even mine and absolutely transformed to healthy, thriving, best-versions-of-themselves-ever. But still, it just made sense.

This program has two versions: an in-person workshop (which I did not do because no dates were anywhere near me) and an at-home DVD workshop. I started the program on March 20, 2017, the first day of spring. And that date will always go down as the day my life changed.

I started the DVDs, designed to take about four days, which explain neuroplasticity, how our brains are constantly changing regardless of our age, and that we can change our brains ourselves to our benefit. This program is based on the understanding that many illnesses are the result of a limbic system impairment caused by a traumatic brain injury. Now, I know when we hear "traumatic brain injury," we generally think of a car accident or a concussion or something obvious like that. But we can sustain traumatic brain injuries from anything severe like an illness, a chemical exposure, or a highly emotional event. And when a serious event results in a brain injury, it can send your brain's neural pathways--how your brain and therefore your body functions--into chaos, otherwise known as trauma loops. And those trauma loops can manifest in any number of ways: pain, anxiety, depression, food allergies, chemical sensitivities, POTS, PTSD, chronic fatigue, detoxification issues, unresolved infections and viruses, on and on and on. Basically, a state of chronic illness, with your body stuck in fight or flight mode, something I suspected I was stuck in before I even learned about this program. So basically, in the case of a limbic system impairment, it's possible for your blood work to come out great but the improvements to not quite translate to your day-to-day life because your brain is stuck in emergency mode.

And when the above happens, your brain literally becomes stuck in the rut of sickness-induced and sickness-fueling pathways--through no fault of your own.

This program helps you literally rewire your brain pathways from those pathways of illness to pathways of health, freeing your body of the state it's stuck in to transform it to the best that your body can be. 

It took me about a week to get through those DVDs (it was a lot of info!). Then came the hard part.

The next part of the program is six months of practice: allotting a set amount of time every day to actively rewiring your brain, along with constantly putting into practice all the things taught through the DVDs. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Because our brains like to take the paths of least resistance, and the pathways associated with years of sickness die hard and die slow. The neural pathways your brain is used to using are like a well-worn path in a thick forest. It's been traveled thousands of times, and your thoughts follow it on default. Rewiring your brain is like choosing a new path in the woods, overgrown and covered with trees, and taking that route. It's not easy, not even on the fifth or tenth time you go through it. But taking that path over and over will in time wear it down to an easy, default path, this time a path to health and well-being.

Your brain is capable of that, and you are capable of making that happen.

 

With that said, I would describe the first few days of this program as an uncomfortable relief. It was a relief because I was falling out of those old pathways of suffering, but it was uncomfortable because that is simply the nature of change.

However, I noticed a change in me the first night. A very subtle something had shifted.

Just a couple weeks into the program, I had my first jewelry fair since starting DNRS. There were soo many smells, like the Scentsy booth and people smoking and people's perfumes, and it was soo loud. All those things normally would have driven me to a physiological fog. And yet, while I was not completely unaffected by the strong smells and sounds going on, I was okay. I found myself having a lengthy, enthusiastic conversation with a new acquaintance and saw myself from afar for a split second, realizing how ... normal ... I was. And I could have cried.

In May, two months into the program, Daniel and I celebrated our 5th anniversary for a week at the beach. And that trip was unbelievable. We went to so many new places, like shopping and restaurants, we played on the beach, walked--and ran--on the beach at night, and rode the SkyWheel, a gigantic, enclosed Ferris wheel that came with a warning sign to not ride it if you're claustrophobic or have a chronic illness. I showed it! ;) That week I was a totally different person than I was at our last anniversary beach trip four years before, and even than I was, as you saw at the beginning of this post, with my in-laws two years ago.

And the improvements keep coming.

I am now almost to five months since I started this six-month program. I understandably still have improvements to come, and the longer I go, the more I realize that what I'm learning about neuroplasticity is a life-long change and not a set of months to be checked off. Sure, the changes will become easier as time goes on, but being conscious of my words and thoughts and making sure they are encouraging healthy brain pathways and not fueling the old pathways resulting from sickness will be a constant practice.

One huge thing I am constantly reminded of in this experience with neuroplasticity is that God made our brains this way. 

 

And His admonitions on the subject of neuroplasticity were right there in the Bible, right under our noses, all along. There isn't room in this post to expound on them all, but Romans 12:2 is a great place to start. Neuroplasticity isn't some fruity notion somebody dreamed up to make people feel better. This is a remarkable gift God equipped our bodies with, that so many people don't even know is there.

From the beginning of Creation, He knew He made our brains this way. And from the time I got sick He knew that this was going to be the missing puzzle piece to my health and that my life would change through this knowledge and this practice in ways I never could have expected.

I know many of you reading this aren't even sure what all symptoms I lived with for years before this, so I would ask that you please take a look at this post to see what my life used to be like. I realize this post is already a mile long, and I still have not said everything I wish to say on this topic, so I will try to condense some of the changes I have experienced over just five months here:

- The Lyme Disease (Babesia and Bartonella) have not shown up in my regular Field Control Therapy testing in months. Which means either it is now gone or is not affecting me. I'm claiming it is gone. :) (Yes, I have continued the FCT while doing DNRS, as there are still some toxins to eliminate and organs to support, though those needs are continuing to lessen!)
- My reactions to harsh sensory input are greatly lessened. Previously loud music or appliances popping (our fridge has problems) or multiple sounds going at once (like a neighbor's music going at the same time as construction outside) would result in headache, nausea, or basically physical panic. Now it's like the sensitivity dial has been turned down much closer to normal level.
- Similarly, I can carry on a conversation with someone while there are other loud noises going on around me, such as other people talking. This used to be a great struggle.
- I am happier. I'm now often experiencing this phenomenon called "happy tears." I wasn't familiar with those before.
- I am now much more positive. I didn't think I was a negative person before, but ... let's all laugh at that now. ;)
- I have actually uttered the words "I feel so good" more than once. That sentence was not really in my vocabulary before.
- I can handle phone calls like a boss. ;) Previously, situations such as phone calls, the prospect of making phone calls, having serious conversations, or seeing confrontational comments on social media would send my body into fight or flight mode, complete with racing heart, adrenaline rush, and shaking. My brain had wired such situations to such reactions. Now I have to stop and realize how easily I have been making phone calls. (I'm trying to find a good dentist right now, so currently making phone calls is practically my job.)
- I can now relax much easier than before.
- I can now focus on one thing at a time more easily than before, as opposed to always having to multi-task.
- I am mentally and physically calmer.
- I am in much less pain.
- I am stronger. For example, I can now open bottles that normally I had to have Daniel open. (And, no, I'm not exercising my arms. ;)
- I actually have this thing called energy. And stamina. Definitely didn't have those before. I realized the other day that when I get ready to go somewhere, my battery isn't running on low by the time we leave the house. I'm fine. 
- I don't have to lie down after taking a shower.
- I'm walking better than before. (Hadn't realized my walk was lacking until now.)
- Even my chiropractor could tell a difference in my body--and was amazed by my improvements to the point of tearing up--the first time I went after starting the program.
- My thoughts are clearer and I lose my train of thought much less.
- I sleep deeper and fall back asleep easier if I am startled awake.
- My actual dreams have changed. Previously, I basically had like six dreams I just rotated. Once I started this program, it's like I got a whole new set of dreams and now I dream brand new dreams all the time. It is such a relief.
- I'm able to eat foods I wasn't before.
- Daniel says my "aura" is different. :)
- My hug is different. I saw family in July for the first time since starting the program and quickly realized I was actually hugging them tightly—easily and spontaneously. Normally my hugs are light, bordering on air hugs. Do you know how much healing had to take place for something as mundane and involuntary as a hug to be transformed?
- I am just doing so much now. I was already doing a lot for a sick person with "no job" before while running two small businesses, but I have cranked up the productivity dial on both shops, while also being able to be a housewife. Plus, Daniel and I are finally now getting to explore our area, now that we've lived here for three years. I actually could consider getting a "real job" in the future.

"Wait, so how is all this happening because of changing your brain?" When your brain is working properly, the rest of your body will follow. 

 

It's getting to the point that I don't even notice some of these changes now. I'm reading through my notes of improvements over the past few months to write that list above, and so many of them that were a huge deal are basically my normal now, to the point I almost forgot how big they were. And that is crazy. Thankfully, I already knew that when I got better I would forget, so I'm glad I made this list a few years ago. I may get used to the new normal, but I will never truly forget. And I wouldn't want to.

This is the story that God has chosen for me. And it's far more mind-blowing and beautiful than I ever imagined. I can now see how God orchestrated that I would learn about this amazing gift at just the right time in my life, and every bit of the glory goes to Him.

I want to share the hope for healing--and a better life for everyone--found in God's gift of neuroplasticity with everyone I can. 

 

And I'll be sharing the first development in my quest to do that in just a few days! In the meantime, you can see peeks of what that is on Instagram and on Facebook.

If this whole idea of neuroplasticity is brand new to you (as it was to me!) I would highly suggest watching this video (please excuse the dated music--neuroplasticity isn't brand new!) and exploring the DNRS website.

I know how I have suffered. I know so many others are still suffering. And it kills me to see that suffering and know that it could be greatly helped. If you are living with any unresolved chronic health issue, large or small, from anxiety to MCS (multiple chemical sensitivity) to chronic pain to PTSD to food allergies, I am truly begging you to open your mind to neuroplasticity and specifically consider DNRS. And I am more than happy to do my best to answer any questions you may have; email me!

There is hope for healing. And it is so much closer than we ever dreamed.

When Christians Fail Us

I have gathered over the past few years that many of us have been disappointed or hurt by Christians. Those of us dealing with chronic illness or any other long-term trial have probably especially encountered some hypocritical actions or words on a Christian’s part when we needed help and love the most. And whether those actions have hurt you, hurt your view of just those people, hurt your view of all proclaiming Christians, or built a wall between you and God altogether, I feel the need to point out that if you too have been hurt by proclaiming Christians, the hurt they have caused you—well-intentioned or not—is a reflection of them and not a reflection of the God that Christians love and serve. Their mistakes are all on them, not on God. 

We tend to expect more of Christians, don't we? I sure do. And we should. 

But humans are still humans even when they are followers of God. 

The difference is the hope that we have and the guidance that we have to do better—and it is up to us to listen to that guidance. But Christians will still fail you and still mess up because that is human nature, something we do not suddenly become totally resistant to when we accept Christ. We know better, and we should do much better, but we will still sadly fail. And while that does not excuse any hurt that has been caused by such failure, it is still the truth. 

So please know: I will fail you; the Christians in your life will fail you, just as anyone in your life will fail you at some point.

But my God will not and cannot fail you. He truly is perfect. His ways are higher than anything that earth’s greatest, deepest minds can begin to process. And He is the reason I have hope.

He is my hope.

He is the reason anyone can have true hope: hope that waits all night while we sleep and meets us when we wake up. Hope that holds our hand through every excruciating moment of chronic illness. Hope that cannot die, no matter the unimaginable pain and sorrow that life can and will bring. Hope that carries us all the way into eternity, to a heaven we cannot imagine where we will finally see our Hope face to face.

I have been hurt, yes, by many Christians. I have wrestled with faith in the face of 6+ years of chronic illness, clinging only to the truths I cannot forget from a lifetime of Christianity. And hope has followed me, waited for me, and burst into glowing brilliance when I finally looked its way. It has not failed me. God has not failed me. 

And He never will.

~~~~~

If this kind of hope blows your mind and you have any questions at all, please feel more than welcome to comment or message me.

My Alternative Journey to Health

In response to this post of mine being shared on another site recently, many people have wanted to know more specifically what I am doing in my alternative, holistic quest for health. So if that post led you here, welcome! :) I will now endeavor to answer those questions, and if I miss anything, please feel free to comment or contact me. (I do ask that you please read this whole post carefully before commenting.)

HOW IT ALL BEGAN | I had mild health issues and symptoms throughout my childhood and teenage years (they were regarded then only as quirks). In 2010, my body crashed and I began living with debilitating eye pain, headaches, all-over body pain, constant exhaustion, memory problems, IBS, extreme sensitivities to being poked or pushed against, and a plethora of other symptoms, turning my world entirely upside down. (I finally wrote down all the symptoms I could think of a while back, and there were about 75.) In 2011, after testing including an MRI to rule out other possibilities such as arthritis and a brain tumor, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (and a bit later unofficially with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). 

I then embarked on the traditional route of antidepressants, muscle relaxants, and other prescriptions to attempt to ease the symptoms. Only one helped briefly, and based on what I know about those drugs now, I regret taking them. By 2013, I chose to go off all prescriptions, as they, at best, were not helping. I also eventually chose to quit taking over-the-counter medicines, including pain medication.

HOW I STARTED ALTERNATIVE TREATMENT | In 2013, a friend of a friend suggested an alternative holistic doctor in the area and passed along a DVD that covered this doctor's view and treatment of Fibromyalgia. It was all brand new, mind-blowing, belief-shattering information to me, but I skeptically gave it a chance. During my treatment with this doctor, my most notable improvements were losing about 25 pounds (that I really needed to lose) through addressing my diet needs and a brand new sense of hope I didn't know existed for people like me. After being treated there for about a year, my husband and I happened to move to another state and so started seeing another alternative, holistic doctor that my previous doctor recommended. That is when things really started to get good.

MY ACTUAL DIAGNOSES | This new doctor of mine ran a large number of incredibly in-depth tests to check for everything under the sun: Lupus, Lyme Disease, Epstein-Barr Virus, arthritis, metal poisoning, Celiac Disease, food allergies, gene mutations, hormone imbalances, and a multitude of other imbalances, infections, parasites, viruses, and more. While testing revealed literally a dozen or more problems, among my biggest issues were Lyme Disease (the co-infections Babesia and Bartonella), mercury poisoning, and the unresolved chicken pox virus from when I was five years old, along with gene mutations that inhibit my body from detoxing properly on its own. You can read about a few more of my diagnoses here.

HOW I'M BEING TREATED | My treatment has been made up of three main things: 1) Field Control Therapy, a cutting edge treatment that periodically determines what pernicious agents are affecting your body the most and addresses them by strengthening your body to rid them on its own. 2) Supplements that continually change based on my body's changing needs. 3) Diet changes tailored to my body's needs. I also see a chiropractor for adjustments every so many months. Most alternative doctors either are also chiropractors or have a chiropractor in their office that can do this; I just go to a separate one for these specific needs because it is closer to home. I am currently considering adding another layer of alternative treatment and will definitely write about it if I do and find it to be helpful.

LIFESTYLE CHANGES I'VE MADE | In addition to the treatments listed above, I have made several changes myself that have proven to be hugely beneficial:

1) Removing toxic products from my life and replacing them with non-toxic alternatives. There is a ton of information to be found online about what all ingredients we need to avoid and why. But the bottom line is that all mainstream products (yes, probably the ones you've been using your whole life as I had; think Maybelline makeup, Clorox wipes, Tide detergent, etc.) contain chemicals that we absolutely should not be putting on our bodies--what we put on our bodies is absorbed and just as important as what we eat. You can see some examples of what I do not eat below, as removing toxic foods and ingredients is also vital.

2) Detoxing. In this day and age our bodies are bombarded with harmful, sickness and cancer-causing toxins, from makeup ingredients to food additives to cigarette smoke to EMFs. And while some of us have the MTHFR gene mutation (like I do) that inhibits our body's natural ability to help detox these things, we could all use some help in this department because of the sheer, unprecedented amount of toxins we are being exposed to. A while back I realized that the pain I once would have called "Fibro pain" is frequently actually the build-up of toxins and is eased by detoxing. There are a few suggestions for detoxing practices here and here that I have found very helpful on this journey. I would add to that list oil pulling, which I wrote about here; it alone immensely improved my migraines. (You can browse some of my favorite detox tools here.)

WHAT I DON'T EAT | I do not eat gluten (wheat barley and rye), grains (corn, quinoa, and oats), dairy, soy, nightshades, refined sugar and artificial sweeteners (which means I do not drink pop), table salt, yeast, vegetable oils, and a few fruits and vegetables that I have shown allergies to. While the right diet for each person will vary and is best determined with thorough testing, anyone with autoimmune conditions especially should avoid gluten, grains, dairy, soy, nightshades, refined and artificial sugar, and table salt. I do not eat your typical processed foods and eat organic whenever I can, a change that would behoove anyone, chronic illness or not. The additives and chemicals in today's popular food is absolutely unbelievable. (You can browse some of my favorite foods I've found here.)

HOW I AM NOW | Any journey to health is going to be, as my first holistic doctor put it, a marathon and not a sprint. Anyone with as many issues as those of us diagnosed with Fibromyalgia are going to take a lot of time to heal, especially if you have been sick for many years as I have. (I'm pretty sure I was infected with Lyme Disease about 17 years ago.) There is most definitely hope of being "all better" or at least vastly improved, but that is not going to happen overnight or even in just a year--for anyone. As with any chronic illness, there is not a quick fix.

While I am still in this journey to healing, I am the best I have been since I got sick in 2010, and I even have the bloodwork to prove it. This past year, each of my sets of bloodwork came back better and better, a concept I was definitely not familiar with! I know I still have a ways to go, but I accept that because I know this journey of alternative treatment is worth it, not only for improving my health but also for opening my eyes to the truth about health, medications, toxins, diet, and more.

MY TRANSFORMED VIEW OF FIBROMYALGIA AND CFS | Stay with me here and try to understand what I'm saying with an open mind: I firmly believe that diagnoses like Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome only describe the symptoms one is experiencing and are not legitimate as end-all diagnoses. I too was once relieved when I was given that diagnosis. And then I learned the truth. The suffering of those of us given these labels is painfully, excruciatingly real--but such a diagnosis is a cop-out. "Fibromyalgia" literally means "muscle pain." Chronic Fatigue is just that: chronic fatigue. Those are symptoms. Do you believe that symptoms, like headaches, extreme pain, exhaustion, memory loss, etc., all just happen on their own, with no cause?

When you see someone with a broken leg, do you assume that their leg just broke on its own? Spontaneously, with no cause but only the diagnosis of "broken leg syndrome" because sometimes that just happens? Or even that the leg is just not working for some inexplicable reason that cannot possibly be determined because sometimes that "just happens"? Of course not! Something had to cause that leg to break--a force of some kind had to come in contact with the body, and the evidence of that occurrence is a broken bone, manifested in pain and the inability to walk.

Similarly, nothing that happens in your body "just happens." There is a cause--or more often a combination of causes, whether infections, viruses, gene mutations, trauma, toxins, parasites, inflammation, and more--manifesting itself  in any and all symptoms you are experiencing. Further, any symptom you experience is your body's way of trying to tell you that something is wrong. It's not your body cruelly deciding to mutiny and ruin your life--every pain, every memory slip, every trembling limb, every moment of panic is your body begging you to help it in the only way it can: by getting your attention.

I grew up being told that anything odd my body did was "just because," even that my symptoms summed up with "Fibromyalgia" happened "just because." I believed that for a long time. And that belief came to a screeching halt when my eyes were opened to the truth through my experience with alternative treatments. I have come to truly believe that "Fibromyalgia" is just a label that mainstream doctors give to people with more problems than they can or want to attempt to help. The average doctor doesn't want to run a ton of time-consuming tests (and often isn't even equipped to), see the same patient frequently for six months or a year or two, work with them, analyze every single part of their body system, determine exactly what dysfunctions are occurring, and treat them all individually, patiently, and thoroughly, no matter how long it takes, without a single prescription. The average doctor wants to prescribe you something to make you "feel better"--just enough to get you through--and send you on your way. I don't want to just "get through." I want to thrive. And mainstream medicine does not offer you that option.

Mine was not a "classic misdiagnosis" because I finally found I had other things resulting in my symptoms; mine was a classic diagnosis. It was determined that I have Fibromyalgia because it hurt in a certain number of places the doctor pushed on and because I tested negative for everything else that they decided to test for. That is a classic Fibromyalgia diagnosis. They didn't make a mistake in giving me that diagnosis; rather, their whole belief system that results in that diagnosis is flawed.

Please keep in mind, I am in no way saying that everyone who has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia or CFS has the same exact problems I was found to have. But I am saying that I firmly believe everyone who has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia or CFS has their own unique combination of actual structural and/or neurological and/or metabolic problems that are all teaming up to absolutely ruin their health, and that every one of those root causes is at least treatable or even healable at the source.

Now, if you find all of this insulting to those of us thousands of people diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I ask that you please go back and reread this and try to see what I am actually saying. I am writing all of this (and all of my other posts on this topic) because I have been where you are. I have reached the end of my rope over and over and sobbed over my body's state more times than I can count. I have earned a college degree only to get sick a few months later and be unable to go get a "real job." I have had my life turned upside down. I have assumed there was nothing that could be done. And then I found out all of the above information and my life completely changed. I went from no hope at all to all the hope in the world simply because I opened my mind and became informed with the truth. None of this is being written to bash anyone who is suffering--it is written to help. I am pouring my heart out, gritting my teeth, and getting through this post not because it's fun or because I think it will be well-received but because I know there are people out there just like me who need it. Surely one or two of you will see the hope in this post and be compelled to become your own advocate and fight for answers and health as I was, and you are why I am writing. I only wish I had learned all of this years ago, and so I am writing for you what I needed to know but did not have access to.

A FEW TIPS | Things to keep in mind:

1) If you're considering going off any medications, please do not do so cold turkey; make sure to check with your doctor first and, if you do, ease off very gradually.

2) If all of the above sounds so promising but you have no idea where to start, the first step is to find a doctor near you. Just search Google for "holistic doctors," "alternative doctors," or "functional medicine doctors" in your area and see what you find. Read their website to see what they say they treat and how they treat it. Ask around and see if someone you know knows one they would recommend, or even if they know someone who would recommend someone (that's how I got started!). Once you find your doctor, he/she will be able to order tests tailored to your needs and walk you through every issue found, one issue at a a time. I highly recommend trying to find one that does Field Control Therapy.

In the meantime, I recommend trying a couple of the lifestyle changes I've made and listed above that can naturally help with many symptoms. But keep in mind, it is all about baby steps--start small, and all your steps will inevitably add up to something great. I know it all can seem overwhelming and even scary, but I want to encourage you that it only seems scary because it's unfamiliar territory, and once you get going on this journey, things will become clearer and more understandable. 

And please know: you are never too old or too many years into sickness to try alternative treatments. There is always hope for improvement!

3) If all of the above sounds absolutely impossible or ridiculous to you, please know that I am just one in thousands being helped by alternative, holistic treatment--and I do not mean just symptoms being soothed but actual causes improving on paper in test results and in day-to-day life.

4) If all of the above sounds like way too much trouble to you, then that is your call and I'm sorry you see it that way. You have to acknowledge the true value of health in order to truly aim for and commit to it. If you want to improve, you have to really want it, more than you want familiarity or even some of your favorite foods. You can be skeptical, as I was, but you must be open-minded and dedicated.

5) No, unfortunately insurance does not generally cover alternative treatments and testing, though it does often cover some. The reason for that is a whole other story.... I know most of us dealing with chronic illness don't exactly have scads of money lying around, and I have said "yes" to things but had to say "no" to others. But each of us needs to weigh the options offered by our alternative doctors and see what we can make happen and what we can't. You do the best you can and will make work what you really want to work.

MY HOPE FOR YOU | As I said before, I know this post will not be well-received by many. A few years ago I would have probably scoffed at it and maybe even laughed. But I'm offering you hope, and if you want to scoff and laugh at hope ... I really can't help you there. You have to reach that point where desperation meets open-mindedness on your own, in your own time.

My hope is that someone reading this has their eyes opened, that the clouds begin to part a bit and you catch a glimpse of the hope that lies in the truth and in the alternative, holistic world. If you are in misery and feel like you are stuck in a life-sentence of Fibromyalgia, CFS, or any chronic diagnosis, you do not have to stay that way. I know this is some mind-blowing stuff, but once you begin to wrap your mind around this temporarily unfamiliar world of alternative treatments, you'll see it's mind-blowing in the best way.

I'm not going to lie and say this is an easy road. Any journey to health is going to hold a multitude of ups and downs. But what worth doing is ever easy? I hope you can see that your health is worth it.

Would you like to hear more about anything in this post? Still have questions? Please feel free to comment below or contact me! 
You can also check out some of my favorite foods and tools I've found on this journey here.

-----

 Nothing on this blog is to be construed as medical advice,
as I am not a doctor or health professional. I am only 

 a woman with powerful personal experiences to share 

 and am not responsible for any adverse affects from 

 incorporating my suggestions.  No claims about promising

 treatments or approaches are to be taken as guarantees
of improvement or cures. Please do not make any 
drastic changes without consulting a doctor.  

Officially Streetlights at Midnight

You may have noticed that KV Designs has suddenly (though not so suddenly on my end ;) become Streetlights at Midnight. Streetlights at Midnight existed briefly on its own last year and then morphed into just one big collection at KV Designs. But now at long last, my cards, prints, and printables have taken over and morphed into one big shop and I am so happy!

Can you walk into a store, browse the card aisle, and find a card specifically to encourage someone who's dealing with a chronic illness? Nope. Even though an astounding number of people (I am finding more and more and more...) deal with some form of chronic health problems, invisible or not. And while you can't find Streetlights at Midnight cards in a retail store (for now! ;) you can find them in my Etsy shop.

The lack of chronic illness cards out there is reason enough for this shop to now exist. But combine that with the fact that chronic illness is very isolating (I would know this well) and the fact that I've gathered that it's very difficult to know how to help someone you care about who's dealing with such issues, and the need for Streetlights at Midnight is all the more apparent.

So we've got:

• A gaping whole in the market
• The chronically ills' need for encouragement
• The eternal question of how to help

Problem solved! :)

There's a secret about helping those we care about who are going through any kind of trial that took me a long time to realize was a secret. It's that saying, "I don't know what to say," is a good thing. I think that often, people want to help but because they don't know how or don't know what to say, for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, they do nothing. *Insert game show buzzer.* Wrong choice.

I promise. If you want to help but don't know what to say or do, a card that says just that is perfect. And once you send it, you can check out this post for more ideas or good ol' Google it. There are many posts on the subject by people like me who realize how tricky it is to help.

At Streetlights at Midnight, in addition to cards focused on faith and chronic illness, you'll find cards for every occasion, like birthdays, anniversaries, and just because, and more broad encouragement cards that can apply to more than illness. And extra perk: these printed cards are 5x7" so they can easily be framed for continued enjoyment!

Even better, all the cards in the shop are also available as digital downloads! One (really small) price gets you the image that you can print over and over however and as many times as you want. (You just can't sell it, 'hear?)

In addition to greeting cards, in my shop you'll also find original quote printables, many of which focus on Chronic Illness, that I've attempted to condense into three categories: Faith, Life, and Love.

I'm very excited to say that each of the quote printables will soon be available in printed form also! In the meantime, if there is a printable or two that you really want in printed form but can't wait, please just message me and I will set up a custom listing for you!

And an extra tidbit: I was honored to be interviewed recently by my new friend Kami at Living Grace about life with chronic illness and my two shops, and if you're interested in either of those and snagging a limited time sale or two, I highly recommend you check it out! :)

I'll leave you now with the new Streetlights at Midnight commercial ;) and please feel free to browse around the shop and find something for yourself and also something to encourage someone you care about.

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Why "Everything in Moderation" Is Ridiculous

If you spend any amount of time on social media, particularly Facebook, you've probably (hopefully) noticed articles sharing how studies have found that refined sugar causes cancer, that gluten is harmful, and that lots of other "foods" we Americans know well are actually causing all sorts of sickness and disease... and in my opinion, all for good reason. Where there's smoke there's fire. I follow lots of pages and people that share such information and, with good reason, I've found I believe much of it.

You realize everyone used to think smoking was harmless, right? Now we laugh at such ignorance. How do we know in a few years (or for some of us, now) we won't find that there are things we're consuming on a daily basis that are causing cancer and all sorts of diseases?

In short, if something was found to cause cancer, why on earth would you put it in your body? And yet ... our society continues to. Why? Because it's familiar. It's comfortable. And in our puzzling human minds somehow familiar = safe. Which is terrifyingly inaccurate. See smoking example above.

So back to all these articles being proliferated throughout social media ... I can't help taking a few seconds to glance over their comments. There will always be the people that agree, then the people that lament how "everything" causes cancer so we might as well just ignore all findings and eat whatever we want (yeah, have fun with that...), and then there are always, always the people who impart their golden rule of "Everything in moderation," with sentiments like "You only live once, so you might as well enjoy it," following close after.

Such a view as "everything in moderation" bothers me greatly. And I'm beginning to figure out why. I've boiled it down to three reasons.

The more I learn about mainstream medicine versus alternative medicine, the more I see how looked down on and stereotyped alternative medicine is. And yet I also see just as clearly how hope-filled and, for lack of a better word, miraculous the latter is. Like it is little short of buried gold--buried in the big-bucks world of pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies making customers out of patients. And yet I also see one more thing: how Americans as a whole seem to be pretty oblivious. And they also seem to prefer it that way. Why? Because in regards to life as they know it, even if they're "just" having to nap every day or dealing with weekly migraines or hardly able to walk from arthritis or tied to the bathroom with malfunctioning insides, they think that in theory they want to get better. Who wouldn't? But in reality, they only want to do so in the ways that are familiar to them, that in the past few decades have become so doggone second nature even though we've all learned the hard way that they're not actually helping. They would rather take a pill that claims eased symptoms but never a healed cause. Or two. Or twelve. Because that's just how it is, don't you know? And they would rather run to get a burger or two and a large fry and their diet pop after they pick up their prescriptions because that's just how it is, don't you know?

I grew up in that world, I've eaten fast food a billion times in the past, I've been on antidepressants and muscle relaxers and special pain medicine in the past, like most of the country evidently. But I've learned and I know better now. I know the above is "how it is" just as much as anyone. But I also now know that's not how it should be. And I can do something about it ... so ... I do.

So heaven forbid we pull our heads out of the familiar sand, do some research, and actually come to terms with these earth-shattering findings on gluten and sugar and all their friends being bad for us. Because that's just how things are.

"Everything in moderation." Think about the sweeping acceptance of that phrase: how does it feel? All warm, fuzzy, and content, with a nothing-is-off-limits, all-forgiving lenience. It's a feel-good cop out for people who deep, deep down feel guilty when they're enlightened by newly (or maybe even not newly) found truth but don't have the gumption to do anything about it. It makes them feel better, and not just better but justified even. It's a lot easier to accept everything, in moderation, than draw the line anywhere.

But I have to ask: If this rule is good enough for your eating habits, why not apply it to your whole life? If everything really is fine in moderation, cancer-causing qualities aside, then why not have a little poison in your food now and then--not straight up, or every day, but just a little sprinkled on your food every week or so? What's the harm if it's in moderation? Surely all the non-poisoned food you're eating will just balance it out.

And why draw the line at what we eat? Why not steal a purse or some lipstick in moderation ... you know, once a month or so? Or why not shoot yourself, in moderation? Crazy, right? Pardon the extreme comparisons, but you see my point: If something is known to be wrong or, further, harmful, doing it in moderation really isn't much different than doing it faithfully. You eat poison, you'll at best be deathly ill. You shoplift once, good chance you'll find your rear-end in jail. One bullet can kill as well as a few. You get my point. So why would you eat something "now and then," you know, just once a week or so, that is proven to be harmful?

And I cannot help but draw this correlation: If everything is fine in moderation, why not sin in moderation? Surely just doing what you know is wrong once in a while, you know, on a special occasion or after a long day isn't harmful. And yet ... sin is sin. It doesn't matter if you only did it once or every now and then--that doesn't make it good, or at best harmless.

Since, after all, we only live once, and if that rule is good for determining what we eat, why not let that determine everything we do in life? Just lie in moderation. Just look at porn in moderation. Just cheat in moderation. Apply the moderation rule to the rest of your life, and watch your world crumble. Along with your compromised body.

All of this to say, if "everything in moderation" is your warm-and-fuzzy rule, please think about its implications. Are you going with that thought just because it keeps your familiar world familiar, if deadly, and because it's easy and lets you, in your mind, off the hook to ignore the warnings out in the open for you to heed? Would you actually apply that rule to your whole life? And Christians, would you let everything else slide in life just because it's comfortable and common?

How about new rule: Great things often, good things occasionally, and bad things never. I promise you won't starve, and your body will thank you.

Five Years: Helpless to Empowered

Five years ago this month, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (and a bit later unofficially with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). My health crisis had begun a few months before, the fall after I graduated college, and continued to worsen. Of course in retrospect, I can see that I have been having minor issues my whole life that I thought were normal or just little quirks of mine, but January 2011 brought the full-blown crisis and diagnosis.

With that diagnosis, I thought the next step was to just take pills. The idea of me having a disease was such a foreign concept that it really didn't sink in how sick I was--and how that sickness would affect my life in the long-run--for a while. I didn't tell anyone outside of close relatives and friends, but I spent most of my time in bed and in pain, with absolutely no suspicion that something else might actually be wrong with my body. I found a list of "100 symptoms of Fibromyalgia," at least half of which I nailed, and I understood about as much as there was to understand about this pretty common but unexplained syndrome. When they tell you you have Fibromyalgia, they don't tell you how it got there. (Nor do they know, because you can't explain something that doesn't exist.) They simply give you prescriptions and send you on your way.

Finally many months in, the repercussions of being chronically ill started to sink in. I thought I would just continue to take whatever prescriptions the doctor and I took a fancy to and continue to decline or at best stay how I was. There was no real hope for improvement. And all this at 23 years old.

Sometime in 2013 I decided to quit taking the classic prescriptions. I knew that they, at best, didn't help me and preferred knowing that if I was in pain, sad, angry, or foggy, at least it wasn't drug-induced.

Then later that year, I had my first experience with an alternative doctor who believed that illnesses that are labeled with terms like Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome are actually caused by any number of metabolic, structural, neurological, treatable and even healable dysfunctions in the body. I had never heard such radical claims but had nothing to lose (except money and hopelessness), so we gave it a shot. And that's when the "Fibromyalgia" blinders came down, and the revelation of what was really wrong with me began to come into focus. I didn't drastically improve during that time, but I gained two important things: the knowledge that "Fibromyalgia" in essence means nothing and the discovery of the hopeful world of alternative medicine.

After several months into alternative treatment, I also discovered the importance of lifestyle changes: removing foods I should not be eating or that were hindering the repair of my compromised insides, removing harmful chemicals from my life--which means mainstream makeup, body, and cleaning products--and adopting practices to limit my toxic intake and remove toxins from my body. Those changes alone have brought results.

By the beginning of 2015, we had moved two states away and found an even better alternative doctor--the last one had definitely been on the right track but had only scratched the surface. This one determined what all was really wrong with me: a Lyme co-infection, metal poisoning, adrenal fatigue, leaky gut, and much more that I won't list here but that are very treatable and--what's more--healable. I'm not better yet, because we're just now getting into the good stuff. But I am in a completely different place, in every way, than I was in 2011-2013, and even before.

Looking back, I can't believe I ever accepted that Fibromyalgia--an unexplained, untestable, catch-all diagnosis--was the answerless answer to my malfunctioning body. I can't believe I thought, as does everyone diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, that I had no choice but to be that way the rest of my life, chained to a roller coaster of awful days and so-so days. I can't believe I thought every little or big symptom could be explained with "that's just a Fibro thing." I can't believe I thought prescriptions were the only, however insufficient, answer. And I can't believe I thought that eating what I was eating and using what I was using were not only harmless but certainly had no correlation to my well-being or lack thereof.

You can't really blame me though, because everything I was doing and thinking, and not thinking, was normal--second nature in our oh-so-advanced yet somehow oh-so-ignorant society. Blindly trusting the doctors, the pharmaceutical companies, the way "things just are." And yet I hate that I fell for it. I lost two and a half years thinking "all" I had was Fibromyalgia and that that's just how it would always be, and I can't get those years back. But at least they got me to the answers of today.

So now?

I know that "Fibromyalgia" is just a label that doctors give to patients that they cannot or do not want to actually help. They would rather slap a diagnosis on you and shove expensive pills down your throat the rest of your life. And in some cases they simply don't know better.

I know what all is really wrong with me.

I know that the horrible ton of bricks that buried me by January 2011 was not just one more Fibromyalgia symptom or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but actually has a name: adrenal fatigue, which can be caused, in short, by many things and obliterates not only your energy to do anything at all but your ability to even get up and try. I had a resurgence of those bricks this past September and October when a horrendous cold shot my adrenals over again, and I am just now recovered from it. Can you imagine if that had happened and I still thought I just had Fibromyalgia? Yet that is the normal assumption with "Fibromyalgia"--I would have thought it was just an awful, awful flare with no anticipated end (which is what I thought 2011 was), but now I know what it was, what caused it, and how to help it. And because of that, I was able to finally wiggle myself out of its grasp and back to my normal-abnormal and get on with this thing called healing. There's a glorious difference between helpless fear and hopeful empowerment, even if you're still suffering the same physically.

I know that lifestyle changes are a huge piece in the puzzle of healing.

And now I know that there is this thing called "hope" that refuses to leave. Because now I know there are real answers out there, and I'm actually on my way to finding them and accomplishing them, even if it takes years.

Let me insert here that if I sound a bit angry in this summary of the past five years, it's because I kind of am. I'm not angry that I'm sick, or that this journey to health is long and incredibly hard and may take years. Rather, I cannot help being angry at mainstream medicine and doctors for proving to be either willfully or accidentally ignorant when it comes to treating patients with chronic and particularly "invisible" illnesses. I'm angry that something so wonderful and hope-filled as alternative medicine is so looked down on and stereotyped in today's culture and is not only not mainstream but practically a secret that some people never even hear about thanks to the overwhelming popularity of what is mainstream and pushed by aforementioned ignorant doctors. And I'm angry that our society has totally fallen for exactly what I fell for, with most remaining willfully ignorant for the sake of what's comfortable or familiar and the rest totally unaware that they're missing anything. I've found that most people who are chronically ill (or headed there) would rather stay as they are in their familiar misery than begin seeing an out-of-the-norm doctor with out-of-the-norm but highly successful practices and give up their familiar but unhealthy lifestyles to further the progress. It is frustrating when you've found life-changing answers but those who need them won't listen--it is true that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. But it is equally rewarding when someone does listen, and if I convince just one person of the value of alternative care, the frustration will be worth it. And maybe the day is coming when alternative medicine and accompanying lifestyle changes do not bear the ridiculed, fruity stereotype they do now.

My view on healthcare and medicine and chronic illness has clearly drastically changed over the past five years. And while I feel stupid for falling for ignorant views for so long, I no longer feel helpless and confused but vindicated, informed, and empowered. It is mind-blowing to me the information I have learned in five years on illnesses and treatments that I didn't even know existed. And I know I still have much more to learn.

But if all my learning has taught me anything, it is this: Question everything. Don't accept anything simply because it's mainstream, or common, or comfortable, or easy. God gave you a brain to think for yourself and not blindly bend to whims of other people (and especially multi-billion dollar companies) on something as priceless as your health. If a doctor (or many doctors) has slapped a label on you and handed you a bunch of prescriptions, you don't have to settle for it--and I beg you to not. You and your body deserve better than that. Abandon what's "normal," even at the cost of popularity and acceptance, and take your health into your own hands.

There is this secret thing called "hope." By the grace of God I found it, even while I was drowning in a myth of a diagnosis. And I'm doing all I can to make it not a secret anymore.

Health Update: More Diagnoses + Making Progress

It feels like forever since my last Health Update post, and in a way it has been--I finally had my next appointment with my new doctor last week. Scheduling conflicts + life = way too many delays. Anyway, it was quite eventful, much like the last appointment:

- We got back the results of my two remaining tests.
- We did some testing to determine what progress (if any) we've made thanks to my three intense days of treatments in June and my many new supplements.
 - We left with lots of homework.

Here's what we found out:

The bad news:

• My hormone test results showed that, of course, my hormones are all out of whack. My adrenals are shot and my cortisol levels are ... practically nonexistent. Your cortisol, which is in essence what gives you energy, helps you sleep, and causes your sleep cycle, should spike very high in the morning and then go down as the day goes on. Mine? Behold for yourself:

See that black line with the blue section? That's me. It's so unnoticeable I didn't even see it at first when the doctor showed it to me. Regarding how this problem impacts my body, let me just quote my doctor's report:

     "Your cortisol never has a chance to ramp up properly to help drive you to and from healthy sleep cycles, 

leading to the severity of the symptoms you feel."

In other words, this is why I have no sleep cycle. I just sleep when I sleep, not according to any kind of clock, because my body doesn't currently have one. And my inability to have a sleep cycle is just exacerbating all of my other symptoms. It is no wonder I have no energy--added to the umpteen other problems going on in my body, it is a wonder I can do anything at all.

• I have many, many gene mutations working against me, which we'll be working to improve. I already knew I had one but it turns out that's just the tip of the iceberg. That's the short story on that. 

The good news:

We are actually making progress! Of course answers are progress in themselves, but actual improvements are even better. And even though I am not improved in any obvious way, the testing showed that the virus in my gut has diminished and the petroleum that was attacking me is not doing so now. Can you say progress?!

What's next:

I was sent off to get my Vitamin D checked again to see how that supplement is going (yay more bloodwork!), do a few at-home tests, and also do four more days of FCT treatments, two this week and two next week, like the three days that I did in June. I'm planning to begin those tomorrow, so I'll be disappearing again here for a few days while I get through those.

I'll go back a month after the four days of treatments, retest, and see how we're doing. This could go on for a very long time.

~ ~ ~

The goal of treatment is, of course, to get better. In the interest of that, I decided the other day to write down all of my symptoms. You know, in case someday I am better and forget just what I dealt with daily. Everything that's happening in our lives is so vivid at the time that we think we'll never forget it, or at least I do. But time goes on, and I'm finding I don't. And if I do get better, I want to never forget not just that I was once sick, but how much better I am.

I have about 75 symptoms. This is just what I could think of in one night.

I have been sick for so long, I cannot even imagine being healthy. Almost like asking a blind person to imagine being able to see--they hear it's wonderful, but it's totally unfamiliar and unknown, maybe not even grasped. That's how I view being healthy. Such a huge, unknown, unfamiliar world. But I'll gladly welcome it if it comes.

This go-round with treatment is completely different from the last one. Last time, I was completely at a loss before finding that doctor and thought there was no hope for me. Then hope was dangled, and I eventually but eagerly grasped onto it like I'd been given new life. Then somewhere around month three, it hit me: I wasn't actually going to get better. We continued several more months of treatment, but my intuition was correct. It turns out I'm simply sicker than that doctor, brilliant as he was, was able to conquer.

This time around, we are just as desperate but even more hesitant to really get our hopes up, knowing what happened last time we did that. I don't know for sure that this treatment will help me improve, much less get drastically better. But this is the first time I've seen that I have every reason to. I am convinced every time I see this doctor that he knows what he's doing and that he's digging far deeper than any other doctor of mine ever has--deeper than I even knew you could go. I don't know if I'll really improve, but I know that I have every reason to.

5 Things That Don't Mean We're Okay

Life with chronic illness(es) is the craziest, most unexpected tightrope walk. First, life as a "normal" person is turned upside down (which greatly reduces the ability of those around you to identify with you), and often the illness is invisible, which causes many to simply not believe that you're as sick as you claim.  All of that is plenty.

But then there's also this funny little rock-and-a-hard-place struggle: for example, do I let myself appear "okay" by actually putting effort into my appearance when I miraculously do go out (the option I tend to go with) or should I show up looking as bad as I feel, since somehow makeup and clean hair seems to equate with wellness? It's a tricky thing--grasping at chances to live in simple things like posting a well-articulated paragraph on Facebook, having a good laugh, talking about things other than sickness (yes, I do talk about other things sometimes...), or seemingly bigger things like going on vacation (haha) or opening an Etsy shop.

I hate that I even feel the need to point out these things, but it has hit me more than once that my appearance, timed-just-right clarity of thought, or momentary positive mood seem to be, to those observing me, little strikes against their (already low) confidence in the truth of my claim of being very, very sick. (You'd think all my test results would be sufficient proof, but seeing is believing I guess, and you can't really see things like Babesia and metal poisoning, huh?)

So to that end, please soak in this non-exhaustive round up of things that do not mean we're lying okay:

Articulation/Ability to Communicate Well | I have found myself in the middle of a conversation in a rare moment of a clearer-than-usual mind with a large percentage of my old levels of articulation. I often (but by no means always) am somehow able to verbally rise to the occasion. And I can't help seeing myself, and hearing myself, as those around me must. I realize in those moments that I certainly am not talking like a sick person (however a "sick person" is supposed to talk).

Laughing | I've mentioned before that those of us who are sick are probably the ones that laugh the most/loudest. I've found my laughter to just get louder as my years of sickness have gone on--in no way representative of health but rather of my even higher need for something happy and a few-second-long mental break from everything. I laugh a lot. Only because it feels good and I need that. Smiling and laughing have little to do with someone's health or pain levels. To put it honestly, those with chronic conditions simply become so strong from all the suffering that, yes, they can still laugh and smile while in pain, which says not that the pain is low but that the need for relief is high.

Getting Out | I don't have to worry about this coming across the wrong way too much because I'm lucky to leave the house once a week. But when I do, I usually go "all out" as far as appearance. Hair fixed, makeup, jewelry, and a dress. Which often results in me more "dressed up" than those around me. Which must mean I feel better than they do, right? No, all it means is if I'm out, this love-to-dress-up girl is gonna wear what she wants to wear, technically appropriate or not.

Technological activity | Technological socialization is all a lot of us spoonies have. And I find typing on a keyboard almost always easier than holding a phone and talking on it. So my whole body can feel like death, but I'm usually able to at least sit in a recliner and move my fingers at my laptop. Such "activity" in no way suggests any other type of activity whatsoever. When I'm not able to do anything else, sometimes I have to express myself via social media simply in an effort to stay sane.

Further, every time I post something non-health related or--shocker-- something happy on social media or my blog, I can't help feeling like it subconsciously registers with people: "Oh see, she's fine." Trust me: that is never the case. Our illnesses are always, always there, even if we're not talking about them at the moment, no matter how much we wish ignoring them would make them go away.

Announcements that imply activity | You probably know by now I'm a helplessly creative person. I can't believe the creative outlets I've added to my life over the years that I had never even thought of before, and that fact makes me scared wonder about all the things I'll continue to dream up as time goes on. But every new pursuit that is public in any form makes me wonder if, as mentioned above, people see those pursuits or accomplishments and think, "Oh see, she's fine."

But you need to understand: I have no "real" job. None of my Etsy shops are booming by any stretch of the imagination. (And keep in mind: I'm the boss of those shops--my productivity, work schedule, and "vacations" are totally at my body's whims.) And my life revolves around those whims and my very messed up sleep schedule, doing dishes and laundry when I can, fitting in multiple doses of multiple supplements at the right times daily, and attempting to keep both my husband and myself fed. Seriously. All of that is my every day. And as little as that seems to be, to my body, that is a whole freakin' lot. And it gets overwhelming, and some days I can't even do half of that.

But some days--or nights in my case--are better than others. And that healthy girl who lives buried in me somewhere is begging to come out and create, and always sometimes I just have to listen. So when I upload a song I manage to record or share a looong blog post or add a new line to one of my Etsy shops or even open yet another shop, just know: those accomplishments were all done in one lucky day or in momentarily able fragments out of many days and are representative of two things: a fleeting semi-able moment that was seized and the need that all of us have to take a break from the grind of life and do something that we love. And for me that comes in the form of those things above. I try my best to give myself tiny chances to live when I can--and you're probably going to see all of those. But know that they are not the norm. They are just the moments you see.

We are never fine. However well you guesstimate we are based on our appearance, abilities, or assumed activity, one thing is safe to assume: we are probably a lot worse than you think we are.