Digging for the Good Things

Keeping with my current tradition, it's time to link up with my amazing friend Emily's Grateful Heart Monday.

But honestly ... some days it's harder to find what you're grateful for than it is on others....

As I write this, I feel like crap. I have all day. Now, feeling like crap is nothing new for me, but when it's a different kind than the many I normally experience, that's when it's extra ... disturbing. Especially when you can't quite figure out the cause and it's the kind of not-my-norm problem that clearly must have one. So unexplainable, as a lot of what I deal with is, but crawly, horrible achiness all through my body, inside and out, nausea, internal tenseness, and that indefinable feeling of vibrating on the inside. (All makes perfect sense, right?) Basically, it feels kinda like I've been given a steroid shot, or Sudafed, or, the only remotely possible option, exposed to latex, which I'm allergic to (all three give me similar reactions) and yet I'm lying there in bed this morning, in misery, wondering how on earth I crossed paths with latex in the past 24 hours.

But then there's the other possibility: I've got two supplements I recently started taking at night to "try" to help me sleep... one does nothing and the other is just straight up nasty and isn't pleasant to take because it has the teensiest bit of organic alcohol in it. And I have discovered that if I take a supplement with organic alcohol in it, I have to burn the alcohol off because my body is just that. freaking. sensitive. (Wonder why I'll never drink for real? :P) I just feel super weird if I don't burn it off. But in this case, I just need a few drops under my tongue, so I just put up with the uncomfortableness of it since I'm just going straight to bed.

So I wake up this morning feeling super weird, almost drugged, and all of the aforementioned symptoms. For no reason. Is it cause of the alcohol? Is it cause I only had about 6 1/2 hours of very poor sleep after taking it, so it hasn't worn off yet? (This body needs a good 9 or more hours.) Or did latex find me somehow?

By that point, I'm leaning toward the alcohol. But there's the unignorable familiarity of the feeling I have associated with a latex reaction. Now what did I use or eat or touch yesterday different from what I ever do? I used a new, organic, amazing, safe deodorant. That I've been dying to replace my chemical-filled deodorant with forever now. I finally used it last night for the first time and I love it. Surely they wouldn't put latex in that! But Google helped me out and informed me that people allergic to latex are often also allergic to shea butter and cocoa butter, as they supposedly contain a same protein. What's the first ingredient in my new, amazing deodorant? Shea butter. Unfortunately, I reapplied more today before this discovery.

So now we're leaning toward the deodorant and going to risk using the supplement one more time out of my desperation for semi-normal sleeping hours. And I am still lying here feeling horrible.

And all this comes after a several-hour episode a few days ago of lying in the floor writhing in pain from internal issues. Writhing, kinda want-to-die-from-the-pain kind of pain--no exaggeration.

Sometimes, some days, some weeks, I have to dig deeper to find what I'm grateful for on this journey...

When we began my journey with this new doctor and six months was the proposed treatment time, it seemed like it would take foreeeever. And in a way it did, but...

~ In a way it didn't. Because it's already long since over. So I am grateful we made it through those months and months of driving an hour and a half three times a week to the doctor for treatment, as lately we're down to one every week or two. I am not anywhere near where we all thought I'd be by now, but,

~ I did take tests that came back negative. Which is a positive thing in my mind. I'd rather my issues not be caused by some of the things they could have been.

~ And I also took tests that came back positive and gave us some clear directions to go in.

~ I did find out recently that I have a gene mutation that basically inhibits my body's ability to function, and I have a reportedly awesome supplement to help with that. (Still too soon to tell.)

~ The problem I referred to a while back that I was going to take a test for but couldn't because the insurance company doesn't like to cooperate with doctors' offices has eased off a good bit and hopefully will continue in that direction.

~ I completed my gut repair diet that took about 4 months longer than it should have and seemed like it would never end. And I can now eat eggs again.

~ And I have a chocolate chip cookie recipe that rules all and doesn't make my stomach hurt. Sometimes it's the little things that are just so big.

~~~

Now, if you're still with me after this uncharacteristically "real" post, I promise to be back tomorrow with a much happier topic. And exciting news on Wednesday that you don't want to miss. ;)

I hope you all have a might fine Monday. :)