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October 6, 2014

I Know I'm Not Fine

I have this thing where I like to tell myself I'm fine. When my arm is throbbing, or I'm all out of breath for little reason, or I just don't feel good for lack of one specific reason. I know I'm not really okay, but I like to, basically, mock myself in a weird twist of annoyance over my health problems and think, "You're fiiine."

Yesterday evening when this happened yet again, it just occurred to me: I am so thankful that I know I'm not okay. That while in a moment of half-denial, I know I have health problems. I'm not stuck in the unblissful ignorance that so often happens when one has a chronic problem and doesn't yet know that everyone isn't as physically miserable as they are. Back a few years ago when my health was not perfect but not nearly as bad as it became circa 2011, I had no idea my little problems, that soon enough grew into gigantic problems, weren't normal. I'm grateful I'm not drowning in the misconception that this is just how everyone feels, with no reason to think there might actually be hope.

And, honestly, I am thankful that I'm doing something about it. I read somewhere: "People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar" (Thích Nhất Hạnh). As miserable as chronic health issues are, in a weird way it's "easier" to just keep living with them. Not turn your lifestyle upside down to try to treat the problems and be proactive in your own treatment. But after two years of letting regular doctors take the driver's seat, dealing with the side effects of the drugs I gave a chance to, and watching my health get worse and worse, I found a non-traditional doctor who could actually help and embraced new, out-of-the-norm treatment 100%. It's not over, I'm adding new things all the time, and I have a long way to go. But I'm doing something about it.

So while in the moment I mutter in denial, "You're fine...," I'm grateful that I know full well that I'm not. That I'm doing something about it. And that something can even be done.

Ember Grey: Grateful Heart

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  1. Such a great post, Kacie! I keep reading your last statement over and over again!

    1. Wow, thank you so much Sarah! Your comment is the kind we bloggers dream of, and I appreciate your kind words so much! =)

  2. I think it's great you're writing about this, Kacie. I think that in itself is therapeutic, even just for the soul. I like that quote you shared... while I think it's true, and also think that one should not stay in their suffering, I think it's also different when your suffering is something physical that cannot be healed with a snap of the fingers. I sure wish it could for you though. Continued prayers for you, friend, and sending sunshine of the soul your way XO


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